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As I near 1000 Twitter followers I perceive myself as the avuncular yet acerbic voice of Twitter wisdom and guidance who owes it to his vast network of sycophantic followers to clarify the cryptic and unyielding rules surrounding Twitter use.

Now, I'm not the first to provide helpful hints to the Twitter newbies, but after almost three months of reading Twitter posts, rules and guidelines from assorted self-described Twitter experts, I thought it was time to elevate my Twitter station and proclaim my own lofty Twitter status.

Note that although you may not agree with all of these rules, they are still inviolate. I don't want to yank your Twitter privileges, but I will if provoked.

1. Don't waste my time. Really. A lot of so-called experts encourage you to dive right in and start Tweeting. These are the same people who encourage everyone to vote. I don't want ignorant 19 years olds who can't name either one of their senators voting, and I don't want you Tweeting if you have nothing substantive or interesting to say. I don't care when you got up, when you're taking a shower, what type of coffee you're drinking or how slow traffic is in Denver. That's why you have text messaging on your phone. Share the banalities of your life with those close friends and family who have to endure your inanity. Not with us.
2. Don't link to anyone who uses the word "expert" in their profile. Especially "social media expert." Check out the some of the most popular Twitter users – Guy Kawasaki, Digg CEO Kevin Rose, Zappos CEO Tony Hsieh, Chris Brogan – none of whom hint at the word "expert" in their personal profiles. And they all have actual accomplishments. Online social media have been around about as long as the iPhone. There are no "experts." Pass them by without guilt or sympathy.
3. Don't link to anyone who proclaims themselves a personal branding expert/specialist/fanantic whose Twitter avatar is still the Twitter default icon on a turquiose background. Really, would you solicit or heed fashion advice from a guy in a lime green leisure suit? It's the same thing.
4. You do not have to include your photo in your avatar. Some of the best avatars I see are those created by designers who incorporate their personal logos. They are distinctive, memorable and emblematic of their creative capacity. They speaks volumes more than the standard blurry and pixelated headshot. In reality, many Twitter users aren't terribly attractive and would actually benefit from a creatively designed personal icon. Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
5.  It's perfectly fine to send automated DM's to those who elect to follow you. Tweetlater allows you to set up an automatic reply that sends a standard direct message to every Twitter user who follow you. Some Twitter users detest these DM's. Their righteous indignation can be detected through their Tweetdeck profile. It burns with the fiery intensity of a thousand suns. Ignore them. You're trying to build a network, and following those who follow you is generally a good idea and Tweetlater provides a valuable, time saving utility. Use it.
6. Numbers matter. Notice that virtually everyone who claims that numbers don't matter already has several thousand followers. You don't. You need more. Trolling around Twitter is a lot like deep sea trawling – you drop a large net and hope to reel in a handful of keepers from a slimy pile of aquatic offal. It's true that quality is more important than quantity, but the Twitter tools aren't precise enough to identify those really worth following. So, follow 500 and hope that a dozen provide useful and insightful Tweets. The remainder simply provide you with bragging fodder when you compare your size with fellow Tweeple. And despite the strident proclamations of righteous denial we all do it.
7. Don't forget attribution. We are a self-policing community here. We respect each other's intellectual property and efforts. If you click through a link, enjoy the article and decide to Tweet about it, give credit to the original Tweeter. It doesn't diminish the value of your post to attribute its origins to someone else. Unless, of course, you add nothing of value when you repost. But if you're adhering to Rule 1, we won't have that problem.
8. If someone reposts your tweet without attribution, remain calm. It's a tweet, not your college thesis. I'm in a reflective and revelatory mood, so I'll admit: I've tweeted without attribution in the past. We all have. sometimes I click a link but don't get a chance to read the page for hours. By the time I've determined that the page deserves to be shared I can't recall who posted the original Tweet. But I'll tweet about it anyway and simply hope for forgiveness from the IP Tweet police.
9. Do not try to sell Twitter users a way to earn $12,000/month working from home in their bathrobe while watching the Gameshow Network. You don't want to be the Amway salesperson at the cocktail party. In person, polite societal conventions might compel us to be cordial. Those rules don't apply in the social media free for all on the Interwebs. You're rude, embarrassing and inappropriate and I'm afraid we'll have to delete your Twitter privileges. Or at least unfollow you with head snapping rapidity.
10. There is no rule 10, but 10 rules looked better in a headline than 9 rules. So, let's agree that the tenth rule is a somber reflection and hearty embrace of all the previous rules.

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